Depression is making me go insane. And is escalating fast.
Every day there’s a new obsession. I can tell it’s not a
normal behavior, I feel ridiculous, but I can NOT stop it. I need to know, I need to know these
things, so I obsess about them (I won’t say what).
It’s all real though. I wish it wasn’t. I wish these were just sad ideas
I created in my head, but they’re not. It’s reality. And it gets harder and harder to deal with.
I’ve been diagnosed twice as a bipolar. The second time I argued
with the doctor that he was wrong and that he should find a better diagnostic, for two reasons:
One: If he actually gave me a medication that would stabilize
my mood, I wouldn’t be depressed, but also, I wouldn’t feel like I was a goddess.
I felt like that for some time here and there. And I did made a lot of stupid
things I’m incredibly embarrassed of. I even got fired because of it. But I was
fired in other occasion for being too depressed and isolated, so… fuck it. At
least mania felt good.
Two: The first medication I was prescribed for bipolar made
me gain weight. I have eating disorders... Binging, purging and binging so
more. And laxatives... I had a fucking
overdose years ago and almost died. I can’t gain more weight!
But now… oh God now… I’m stuck at depression, the worst so far. Anxiety,
hopelessness… and fucking obsessions. I wonder if there's a way out. There's got to be a fucking way out.
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