quinta-feira, 3 de setembro de 2009

I just didn’t have anyone I could turn to and I’m not really looking for people to pity me, but I really need to get this of my chest… so here I am…
Like that song says “I know it sounds funny but I just can’t stand the pain”, that’s how I feel. The song is about love, but my sorrow is about something else. And when it comes to what it is… I’m not as easy as sunday morning. I’m as down as monday night.
I keep thinking of my pet and my father. How my dog, such a pure creature, suffered so bad and how I couldn’t even be with him during his moments of pain. He felt abandoned, but how could I let him know it wasn’t my choice to leave him at the clinic? He had many convulsions and was so scared. The best damn clinic in the fucking city! Still not enough! His painful expression on his dead, cold body, cause he died during a heart attack… WHY WOULD SUCH A PURE CREATURE HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT?? It keeps haunting me…oh his face when I saw him last. And then, later, seeing my father in coma, barely breathing, in so much fucking pain, with his eyes lost, I put him some music, his favorite song, there, at the hospital, just trying to make it more pleasant… then suddenly he looked at me, like there was something he wanted to say… roll his eyes, and left me… just like that. How can I sleep after this? How THE FUCK CAN I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE??? I don’t think I can hide this agony anymore, but I don’t see how I can possibly get rid of it. And like if wasn’t enough…the psychological problems I’m facing now, makes me go to the hospital every week, there, in the middle of the real crazy people. I feel sorry for them… people who are way crazier than me, than what people think I am. Like that guy, that beautiful man I’ve seen there once and I’ll never forget him. He was probably 40 years old, but had a mind like a children’s. Like an 8 year old boy. Not like Forest Gump, or my cousin. He really is a little boy on the inside. A sweet, naive kid that will never grow up, trapped inside a man's body.

I don’t even know how to end this ...

Um comentário:

Reflexo disse...

some way I cannot explain, I feel your pain, N.

I never had an experience like that, death so close to me like that, like you had with your father. we don't even know each other, but I can say, with all of my heart and honesty that I feel really sorry for all these things you've been through. I figure how you feel, wishing to get rid of this sorrow as soon as possible. but if life put you into these things, you're stronger now, more human and I admire you (so much more and more and more) for that.

world is unfair, indeed. beautiful minds like yours always suffer more than others and shit like that seems to happen only to test our endurance. but I noe you'll get better. we always get, N.
wish you the best, really.