Depression is making me go insane. And is escalating fast.
Every day there’s a new obsession. I can tell it’s not a normal behavior, I feel ridiculous, but I can NOT stop it. I need to know, I need to know these things, so I obsess about them (I won’t say what).
It’s all real though. I wish it wasn’t. I wish these were just sad ideas I created in my head, but they’re not. It’s reality. And it gets harder and harder to deal with.
I’ve been diagnosed twice as a bipolar. The second time I argued with the doctor that he was wrong and that he should find a better diagnostic, for two reasons:
One: If he actually gave me a medication that would stabilize my mood, I wouldn’t be depressed, but also, I wouldn’t feel like I was a goddess. I felt like that for some time here and there. And I did made a lot of stupid things I’m incredibly embarrassed of. I even got fired because of it. But I was fired in other occasion for being too depressed and isolated, so… fuck it. At least mania felt good.
Two: The first medication I was prescribed for bipolar made me gain weight. I have eating disorders... Binging, purging and binging so more. And laxatives... I had a fucking overdose years ago and almost died. I can’t gain more weight!
But now… oh God now… I’m stuck at depression, the worst so far. Anxiety, hopelessness… and fucking obsessions. I wonder if there's a way out. There's got to be a fucking way out.